


Cut

by snurgle



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Appelia, F/M, Gamvris, One Shot, Sadstuck, Self Harm, Shipping, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-02-10 21:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2040201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snurgle/pseuds/snurgle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had all been an accident. Maybe if she hadn't walked in. Maybe if I weren't such a mess. I'm sorry, sis. You were never supposed to find out. No one was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cut

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! My name is Appelia, and this is my first post on AO3!  
> This is a one-shot that I wrote last summer. It's pretty dark and there is a MASSIVE trigger warning on this fic. If it wasn't obvious from the title, you'll see why later on. Just to clear up a few things, NO, I do not do this, and I don't think that it's a viable way to solve anything. I also don't intend to be romanticizing depression. or psychosis. Or any other mental illnesses, for that matter. Just trying to be sensitive before people get mad at me. :l  
> Comments would be appreciated. Thanks for reading my romantic angstfic. Hope you enjoy it.

I'm standing outside the bathroom door, arms crossed, leaning against the wall with a pissed expression on my face. I had been waiting here for nearly ten minutes. The shower had turned off about five of those ago. He had to be at least dressed by now. I step forward and pound my fist against the door. "Gamzee! Gamzee, are you done in there yet?" I hear movement coming from inside. "Keep your motherfucking pants on, sis," a voice answers. "I'll be out in a minute." I stand back from the door and lean my back against the wall again. He's taking forever. It seems weird that my one of my guy friends takes longer in the bathroom than I do. I can't help but feel that something is going on. I knock on the door again. "Gamzee?" "Vriska, would you give me a motherfucking minute?" I hear him move again. "I'm still getting dressed. If you wanted to see me naked, you could have just motherfucking asked." I sigh in disgust. Typical Gamzee.

* * *

 I back away from the door, grab another tissue and press it to my left wrist. She's still out there. I wonder why she wants to get in here so motherfucking badly. I guess Vriska isn't into morning showers. I sit down on the floor and lean against the glass wall of the shower. I hold my wrist in front of my face and move the tissue away. Dark purple is still leaking out in a thin, straight line. Damn it. This motherfucking thing is still bleeding. I really hope I haven't gone too deep this time. I must have rubbed the scab off while I was talking to Vriska. I'm still holding the razor blade that created this whole motherfucking disaster. I clutch it tighter in my fingers. I can't let her see me like this.

Another knock shakes the bathroom door. "Gamzee, I need to take a shower!" she shouts at me from the hallway outside. "Hurry up!"

"Jegus, sis, what's the motherfucking rush?" I shoot back at her. I'm not sure how else to respond. She falls silent for a minute. I must have gotten rid of her. Motherfucking finally.

Suddenly, the door shakes again. Vriska is back. "Gamzee? Seriously, what's taking so long?"

I don't answer. The door of the shower is still open. I quickly duck inside and lean back against the wall, letting myself sink down to the still-wet floor tiles. I hear the latch in the door click open. "Screw it. I'm coming in."

The door opens and there's Vriska, standing there right in front of me. Well. No escaping this now.

* * *

I'm standing there, one hand still on the doorknob, staring into the bathroom and mindlessly confused. Gamzee is sitting in the shower, fully dressed, leaning against the wall with his knees pulled up to his chest. His makeup is gone and his dripping-wet hair clings to his face in long, shiny black tendrils. He looks up at me, seeming just as shocked as I am. He smiles awkwardly. "Ever heard of knocking, sis?"

"Well, if you'd bothered to remember, you'd know that I've been knocking for the past ten minutes. What the hell is taking you so long?" I walk around the side of the foggy glass wall to talk to him through the open doorway. "You seem pretty much finished up in here. What are you doing?"

He doesn't answer me. He has one hand resting on the shower floor, the other hidden behind his knees. As I turn to look at him through the open shower door, his hand darts out and swipes whatever it is he's trying to hide towards him. But not before I see the silver glint of a razor. Or the splatter of dark purple drops on the shower tiles.

Shock pierces my heart like an icy needle. My breath catches in my throat and my hand flies up to cover my mouth. I feel like I've gone completely numb. "G- Gamzee…" I choke out.

Gamzee's face goes blank, then his dark purple eyes widen. "Sis, please… please don't freak out. I- I can explain," he stutters. He stares up at me, his left hand still clutched close to him.

Before he can say another word, I fall to my knees in front of him. My hand shoots out and snatches his wrist. He tries to pull it back and winces in pain. I let go and stare down at my hand. My fingers are stained with dark purple. Blood.

I look back at Gamzee. His left hand is braced against the wet tiles, pushing himself away from me. I slowly reach out to take his hand again. He gives up and looks submissively away. I take his wrist gently in my hand and pull it towards me. I look down at the pale, delicate skin on the inside of his wrist. It's covered in tiny off-white scars, all different shapes and sizes, running in random directions like the scratches on the curtains of Nepeta's room. A neat, thin cut runs across the faint purple-gray line of his veins. Blood is still dripping from the wound. I run my fingers gently over his wrist. Tears sting my eyes. "Gamzee…" I whisper. I look up at him. "Why?"

"I- I'm so sorry," he stammers. "No one was supposed to know. I've been trying to stop. I really have. But sometimes… It just doesn't feel like enough. I can't… I- I just can't." He takes a thick, gasping breath and tries to pull his wrist away from me. I tighten my fingers and hold him still.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" I murmur, not sure if he's hearing me or not. I look back down. "This looks deep. Here." I stand up, grab a few tissues from the box on the sink, kneel back down and press them against his wrist. "That should stop the bleeding."

"Thanks," Gamzee mumbles, refusing to meet my gaze.

I look at him quizzically. He's hiding something. I inch closer. "Gamzee?"

"Mm?" He holds the tissues to his wrist and curls up against the wall, his face still turned away from mine.

"Is there something going on?" I ask, trying to be as gentle as I can. "Something you need to tell someone?" He shakes his head, sending a spray of water drops at me. I settle down on the shower floor next to him, ignoring the feeling of used shower water soaking through my torn-up skinny jeans. I bring my face in close to him and wait for him to look at me. Eventually, he turns his head towards me. His face has a guarded expression and his eyes are brimming with sheer purple tears. "Why are you doing this?" I ask in a hushed voice.

At first, nothing. He stares at me, his eyes glassy, revealing nothing. Suddenly, he gasps, throws his arms around me and buries his face in my shoulder. He breaks down into a shaking, sobbing mess, right then and there. I hug him and let him stay there, letting him cry on my shoulder until I can get some answers.

"I hate this," he sobs over my shoulder. "I hate myself. I hate everything. I motherfucking hate everything!" I hold him closer and rub his back, waiting for him to get a hold of himself. Eventually the sobs subside. Gamzee pulls back and swipes at the tears streaming over his cheeks.

"Why are you doing this?" I ask him again. I half expect him to either walk out or break down again.

"I- I just hate it so much…" he breathes, curling up again with his arms around his knees.

"You hate what?"

"This- This thing I have… This problem. I can't help it. I- I just lose control and I do all these motherfucking horrible things. And I can't stop it. It just motherfucking happens. It's like I'm drowning. The darkness just rises up out of motherfucking nowhere and it takes over and I can't escape, no matter how motherfucking hard I try, I can't…"

I have no idea what he's saying. He's just sitting there, stammering like a deranged idiot, trying to explain. I put my hand on his shoulder to steady him. "What are you talking about?"

"The madness," he whispers. "I can't control it. The slime… That motherfucking poison I was addicted to… I didn't care that it was killing me. I knew it was killing whatever was going on inside me, too. Now it's gone. The only thing that can control this motherfucking darkness is gone. I motherfucking cracked. I let it take over and I did so many horrible things to all the people I care about."

"Gamzee, that was…" I take a second to think about the time between then and now. Earth years, not Alternian sweeps. There is no Alternia anymore. "That was years ago. Things are different now."

"No," Gamzee whimpers, shaking his head. "No, they're not. Everything is exactly the motherfucking same. Rose's therapy and the pills and everything else… It's just not motherfucking enough. This thing inside me is motherfucking uncontrollable. I can't stop it. I can never know when it's going to happen again. If it takes over me again, I…" He trails off and looks up at me, his eyes wide and filled with tears. "I'm scared, Vriska. I'm so motherfucking scared."

This time, it's me who reaches out.

* * *

Before I can stop myself, I've poured my motherfucking heart and soul out to Vriska. I'm shaking, frightened, and completely out of control. I had to tell someone. And there she was. She was there when I needed someone more than I've ever needed another person in my life. I couldn't help it.

At first, she just stares at me. She probably thinks I've lost my motherfucking mind. I can't do anything but stare back, with that terrified expression that I know is on my face. I've seen it in the mirror before, every time I slit my wrists to keep this motherfucking insanity under control. I expect her to laugh at me, scorn me, call me weak for falling prey to my emotions like this. But she doesn't.

Before I know what's happening, Vriska has reached out and gathered me in her arms. She pulls me closer and rests her head against mine. "You don't have to be," she says softly. I feel her run her fingers through my dripping-wet hair. "You're strong enough, Gam. You can fight this."

"How can you be so motherfucking sure?" I whisper. My heart is hammering against my ribs like a caged animal. Vriska has her arms around me, her fingers tangled in my hair. She's so close I can smell her. She smells nice. Kind of like the ocean. And her shampoo. And safety. Everything that's good and right in this twisted motherfucking universe.

Vriska doesn't answer me. She hugs me tighter and presses her face against my neck. She's so much softer than I remember her being before. Finally she says something. "I've done horrible things, too. And it wasn't like it was with you. I was in complete control. I knew exactly what I was doing. And I regret it. I regret all of it." She looks up, her sea-blue eyes gazing at me with some kind of emotion that I've never seen come from her before. "You're not alone."

My eyes are burning like hell. The motherfucking waterworks are coming back. Not now. Not again. A tear rolls over my cheek before I can stop it. I close my eyes and rub my face, trying to wipe them away. Vriska gently pushes my head down onto her shoulder and gives me one more squeeze. It's more comforting than I ever thought something so small could be. I rest my head against her chest and listen to the soft rhythm of her heartbeat. The tears are falling again. Hell. At least I'm not sobbing anymore.

Vriska strokes my hair and leans her head against mine. Her fingertips graze my horns. It sets me off more than I would like to admit. A shiver runs down my spine and I press myself closer to her. My heart races. She's so soft, so warm, so… amazing. She's a miracle, in every way I can possibly imagine.

"It's okay," she whispers. I feel her lips press softly against my forehead. "You're not alone. You never are. I don't want you to forget that. Ever. Okay?" She slips her hand under my chin and lifts my face to look at her.

I nod, closing my eyes and pulling her closer again. "Okay."

* * *

I'm not sure how long I was sitting there in the shower with Gamzee, holding him close, trying to comfort him the best that I could. He's crying again. I know he's trying to fight it, but I still feel the warm, salty drops falling from his face and onto my shirt. He has his arms around me, clinging tightly to me as If letting go means I'll leave forever. His tears and blood are staining my shirt, but I don't really care. I hug him tightly and rub soothing patterns into his back with my fingers. He needed this. I can feel it.

Gamzee stirs. "Vriska?" he whispers, looking up at me, his face stained with tears.

"Nn?" I look down and mumble in response.

Suddenly I feel a weight pulling down on my shoulders. Gamzee drags himself up and raises his face to my level. For a second, we're stuck, staring into each other's eyes. Then he leans forward, and before I can fight back, his lips are on mine.

The whole world seems to slow down. My breath catches in my throat and I freeze up. I can't push him away. He's still clinging to me, his arms pressed against my back. My body goes numb and the feeling of the wet shower floor on my legs, Gamzee's blood soaking into the back of my shirt, everything disappears. Everything except the soft warmth of the kiss. He tastes sugary, kind of like the Faygo I always see him drinking, and his lips are wet with tears. He won't stop kissing me. And, strangely enough, something in me doesn't want him to.

Then it stops. Gamzee pulls back, and just as suddenly as it had started, it's stopped. I gasp for air, staring up at him like a doll. I don't even know what's come over me.

I feel Gamzee's arms loosen their grip around me. He lets go and smiles weakly at me. "Thanks," he says softly.

I can't do anything but watch as he stands up, backs away, opens the door and walks out, leaving me alone to wonder what the hell just happened.

 


End file.
